It was another one of those talks they had now and then when they were in bed, after they had shagged and slept and shagged again. Snape stared at him with sudden curiosity.

"Remember that day, when you tried to pass through the veil? Why did you do it? Did you really want to kill yourself or just to meet..." Snape paused and hissed the name between clenched teeth, with the rage he always associated with it. "...Black?"

Harry looked surprised. Then he frowned, seeming to ponder. "Perhaps both."

"Do you still think of killing yourself?"

"No. Since I entered the mandala... and since I started to think of you differently... I've stopped thinking about that."

"And do you still miss Black?"

Harry took Severus's hand between his own. "Yes. But not like before."

"What do you mean?"

"He was... the last hope I had of being a happy child. Of having someone to protect me, as a child. With his death, I had to overcome the desire of having a person like that."

Snape squeezed his hand and kept silent for some time. "I'm sorry that you didn't have anyone to protect you, a parental figure with whom you might identify yourself," he said, finally. "I'm also sorry that you have chosen such a difficult person as a lover."

Smiling, Harry brushed Snape's hair from his face. "Yeah, you force me to mature, because someone has to be mature in this relationship," he joked.

Snape glared at Harry and rolled on top of him, crushing him. "What did you say? Apologise."

"Ouch! Okay, I'm sorry."

Snape rolled off him and tried to keep his distance, propped on his elbow, facing Harry with a hurt look on his face. But Harry stroked his arms, waist, hips, and he let himself fall on the pillow again, more relaxed.

"To tell you the truth," said Harry, "you've been a perfect lover."

A dark eyebrow arched, and the thin lips formed a smirk.

~*~*~

On another night, it was Harry who suddenly said, "I can't believe you really tortured people when you were a Death Eater."

Snape paled and turned sombre immediately. "I don't want to speak about it. Don't bring my past to our bed," he declared drily.

Harry flinched. "All right, Severus."

"There's no forgiveness for what I have done, do you understand? I should have been put in Azkaban for life. That was the least that they should have done. But Albus, in his infinite mercy, vouched for me and didn't let me be punished."

Harry gazed at him with scepticism.

"Do you think he only wanted to use me?" asked Snape. "That's not the entire truth. Of course I have been and still am useful to him. Thank Merlin for that. If I couldn't do even that much, I would have killed myself already."

"Don't say that!"

Snape continued as if he hadn't heard him. "Albus doesn't know what Evil is. That's why he can always forgive. He doesn't understand. If he did, he wouldn't be so forgiving."

"But he's not as good as he seems. He uses people."

"That has nothing to do with his goodness or evilness. He does what has to be done to achieve his ends."

"That's rather Slytherin, isn't it?"

Now calmer, Snape raised an eyebrow. "Well observed."

"He made me live with the Dursleys. I can't understand that kind of goodness," said Harry sardonically. "Besides, he knew he could trust you."

"How do you know that he knew?"

"Because I know that he has the same perception that I acquired in the mandala."

"Oh, it's true. I had forgotten."

"And I trust you."

A sparkle shone in the onyx eyes. Snape's long arms reached to the younger wizard's slender body and pulled it against his own.

"You are utterly insane."