Schola Obscura

 

Chapter IV

 

The next morning, when Harry woke up, Snape was putting his things into his holdall.

"What're you doing?" Harry grumbled.

"I am going back to England."

Harry sat up immediately. "What?"

"There is nothing else I can do here. Yesterday we saw how their game is played: we will not learn their secrets unless we seal the deal."

"Well, what about me?"

"Do as you please. I have nothing to do with your decisions."

"Ah, so that's how you handle things? You run away at the first sign of trouble?"

Snape paled instantly and stepped towards him. "Are you going to call me a coward again?"

Harry froze. Why did they always come back to the same point? "Listen... I don't want to fight. Why are you so difficult?"

"I am difficult? I can't even list all the defamatory things you have said about me, and now you say I am difficult."

"You probably won't like if I mention what happened last night, but there's no other way."

"And you will be happy to call me a coward if I tell you I don't want to hear."

Harry pretended not to have listened. "Yesterday I gave up on my greatest dream because you were there, and you were real." Harry looked into Snape's eyes and saw a spark igniting in them. "I went after you and when I found you with another version of myself... I felt proud, but also jealous. Yesterday I couldn't understand my own reaction, but now I understand what I felt. You love that Harry, the one who's in your imagination, the one who forgives you and who needs you in a very special way. You love him, not me."

Snape's eyes seemed to sear into Harry's very soul. "You are making no sense."

"I'm being very clear. You love the Harry of your dreams because it's easier. Because you don't have to fight for him."

Snape's lips curled into a sneer. "Oh, I see. You want me to kill dragons and duel for you."

"No. You know it's not that. You love me just because you think you can't have me."

Snape held both his arms violently. "What do you mean? What do you want from me?"

"Above all, I want you to stay."

"What for?"

"We've each confronted our heart's desire, and we didn't succumb to it. Now all I want is to know what the Cueva is about - this is now my heart's desire. I don't think they can tempt me with another illusion. I believe that, together, we can go back to the Cueva and... cheat them. If we're together, it'll be easier. Yesterday I held on because of you and... well... I managed to take you out of there too, didn't I?"

"Nonsense. We hardly agree about anything!"

"I'm not so sure. When we're not fighting, we get along quite well."

"This is a truism, Potter."

"Whatever. You understood what I meant. I like being with you."

"Are you implying that I have a chance with you?"

"I... I don't know."

"In that case, I prefer to leave. I have no interest in idle daydreams."

"I know I'm being vague, but I feel it can work. I'm a terrible Legilimens, but if we join our minds, if we manage to communicate mentally with each other..."

"Who said you are a terrible Legilimens?"

"You! I never trained Occlumency again, after our lessons. There're very few Legilimens in the Wizarding World. Even among the Aurors, we don't have a good one."

"I have never said you were a bad Legilimens. What I said was that you weren't working hard enough, that you weren't making an effort to block you mind. But your potential as a Legilimens was evident. You even managed to break my defences once - something that the Dark Lord... that Voldemort could never do."

Harry felt proud and hopeful. "See? Another reason for us to work together. Even you acknowledge that I managed to break your defences. That must be because there's a kind of magical empathy between us."

Snape looked thoughtful. "Indeed. Since those days, in your fifth year, I have wondered..."

"You suspected we had a magical empathy?"

"Yes."

"If you stay two more days, we can practise mental communication. You had that with Dumbledore, didn't you?"

"Yes, but Albus trained me for months! You don't think we will achieve that in two days, do you?"

"No, but if we work together for two days, I believe this will be enough to..."

"To cheat the Devil?"

"Well, the Marquis could do it! Don't you think we can do better than the Marquis?"

Snape's lips curled into a half smile, and he shook his head. "Gryffindors..."

~*~*~

After a long debate, they decided to practise by the river. When they were crossing the lobby towards the door, Harry's eyes met the portrait of the gentleman with dark mane. "Snape. Look at this portrait. Isn't it the...."

"... Marquis of Villena. Without any doubt."

The two of them turned to Mr Clavero, who gave them his usual kind smile.

Snape looked annoyed, and pulled Harry by the arm. "Come on. There is something peculiar about Señor Clavero."

Snape didn't mention the subject again. Neither did Harry: he didn't know what to think. They sat on a stone bench by the river. Snape looked around, as if to be sure they were alone. Then he discreetly pulled his wand out of his coat. "If we cast Legilimens on each other at the same time, we will be able to travel through each other's minds."

"Aren't you going to block me?"

"I have nothing to hide from you or anyone. You consider me a monster. What you will see will be innocuous if compared to the horrors you attribute to me in your imagination. Besides, I will be busy watching your secrets..."

"So I'll read your mind as you read mine?"

"Haven't I told you already that the mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure? You still do not understand fine distinctions."

Harry sighed. "Whatever. What I want to know is, aren't we going to mix our thoughts, if we cast Legilimens on each other at the same time?"

Snape made an impatient gesture. "Not if you concentrate."

Harry took a deep breath. His previous experiences with Snape delving into his mind hadn't been pleasant or reassuring.

"On the count of three," Snape warned. "One... two... three... Legilimens!"

"Legilimens!"

Harry felt Snape invading his mind and going straight to the most humiliating scenes of his childhood. Harry struggled to focus on Snape's mind.

Snape as an infant, in his mother's arms. He was just a baby, smiling to his ugly mother. He looked cute as a baby, his hair not so greasy, his nose not so big, and a hopeful glint in his dark eyes.

A gigantic man loomed over Snape. Harry shrank back when he saw him - it was as if he could feel Snape's fear. The heavy hand of the adult man slapped Snape. Little Snape, who surely couldn't be more than five, let out a growl of pain and anger and rolled on the floor, blood dripping from his mouth.

Snape in a forest, holding hands with a red haired girl. Mist drifted up, veiling the starry sky.

The same girl, in Slughorn's Potion class. Snape showed her something written in his textbook, and they both laughed. Snape lowered his head so that the teacher and the other kids couldn't see him laughing.

A slightly older Snape... 17, perhaps 18 years-old... shagging an Indian girl, who was clearly older than he. Harry kept watching, but they went on and on... She came once, and then twice, and he still continued, and continued... They looked so perfect together, her golden skin contrasting with his paleness. Harry envied her, and didn't want to watch them any more.

Snape in his late teens, or perhaps early twenties, brutally raped by a much older Death Eater. The violence of the scene shocked Harry. He wanted to kick the bastard in the crotch.

Snape and other male partners. The devoted lover Harry had seen with the Indian girl turned into a taciturn, malicious and brutal man.

A hall of mirrors, and Snape's image in all of them. Then Voldemort's image towered over him. Harry shrunk again.

Snape hidden in a corner, like a scared little bird who didn't know where to fly. He was paler and skinnier than ever, his eyes widened in terror. In the middle of the dark, Dumbledore's face appeared. Dumbledore reached out, and Snape held his hand.

Snape fighting Fluffy. Snape with his robes on fire after trying to save Harry in the Quidditch game. Snape roaming the castle in search of Harry, his expression tense, and then relaxing when he saw Harry by the statue of the humpbacked, one-eyed witch that guarded the passage to Honeydukes.

Snape saying to Harry, in Harry's fifth year, "Yes, Potter. That is my job". Snape's eyes were glinting, and there was a curious, almost satisfied expression on his face.

Once again, Dumbledore and Snape. Don't ask me that, Headmaster. Anything but that.

~*~*~

When Snape broke the spell, Harry was drained. In Snape's eyes, Harry saw his own shocked feelings mirrored. Could Snape have seen in his mind scenes as painful as the ones he had seen in his?

"Was that your Aunt, that woman who almost hit you with a frying pan, and who used to make you work like a slave?"

Harry just nodded.

"And your Uncle was the man who used to lock you in the cupboard?"

"Yes."

Snape stood up briskly and paced across the grass.

Harry bit his lower lip and stood up too. "Why are you so shocked now? You already read my mind before, when you tried to teach me Occlumency."

"Indeed, I had already seen scenes of abuse." Snape stared at him intently. "Back then, I had many other concerns. Now..."

"Now what?"

"Now the scourge of guilt is inexorable."

At first, Harry didn't understand, but gradually the pieces began to fit into place: Snape felt guilty for Harry's childhood, because, if he hadn't mentioned the prophecy to Voldemort, perhaps Harry's parents wouldn't have died.

Harry wished he could say he forgave Snape and was sorry for not having understood before that Snape was trying to help him. Why was it so difficult for him to do any of those things? "I'm tired," was all that Harry managed to say, unable to stand all those conflicting emotions any longer.

"Do you want to stop? What happened to your speech about magic empathy?"

"No, I'm not giving up. It's just that... I don't think it will do us any good to wallow in guilt and bad memories. Can't we try something lighter?"

"I am sorry, but I don't think you will find roses or candy floss in my mind."

Harry laughed. "Candy floss... That reminds me. I've bought almendras garrapiñadas at the inn's restaurant."

"Almendras garrapiñadas?"

"Yeah. Sugared almonds turrones," explained Harry, showing-off his newly acquired Spanish skills. Then he produced a small package from his pocket and handed it to Snape.

Snape tasted one and grimaced. "Inedible, and a tooth breaker."

"Oh, come on. You must like some candy!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Sweet-tooth people are impossible. You simply cannot believe some people do not share your addiction."

After a few minutes, Harry felt prepared to restart practice. "I'll try to concentrate on silly things now."

Snape quirked an eyebrow, and counted down to cast Legilimens again.

Harry spent a long time browsing Snape's teenager years, and discovered that Snape liked to read nautical and pirate stories, and that he had a crush on Captain Ahab. He thought Snape would be very embarrassed if he knew Harry was seeing those memories. Harry wondered what Snape could be watching in his mind. He shivered and lost concentration. Then he saw what Snape was seeing: the moment when Harry had kissed Cho. Their thoughts mingled and intertwined. Snape kept his eyes fixed on Harry's, and Harry could see the image clearly: Snape holding him in his arms and kissing him. An intense hit spread through Harry's body. Snape's kiss was eager, ravenous, and evoked in Harry a breathtaking desire.

"We will not go far if we pursue this path," said Snape, breaking the spell.

They stayed in silence for long minutes. Harry ate more of his turrones, trying to stop thinking about the kiss.

"I never imagined you could participate in a ménage-à-trois," snapped Snape.

Harry had to make an effort to remember what Snape was referring to. Then he realised Snape must have seen him with Kathryn and Edward.

"I told you there were many things you didn't know about me," said Harry, feeling victorious because Snape was jealous of him.

"Who were your partners?"

"Kathryn was in the Auror training program with me. Edward was her boyfriend."

"Is she an Auror now?"

Harry smiled. "No. She didn't pass the exams. In fact, I think she wouldn't have liked the job. She likes parties and hanging around with her friends. Our work in the Ministry is quite boring..."

Snape narrowed his eyes at Harry. Harry wasn't going to tell him that Kathryn and Edward hadn't meant much to him, and that he had never seen them again after he had finished the Auror training. So far, Ginny had been his only true love.

"Since you took the liberty of asking me personal questions, I'd like to ask you two questions too," said Harry anxiously.

"Do you want to know about Rosier?"

"Was he the bastard who..."

"Yes. Rosier was the father of my House mate, Evan. He was an old ally of Voldemort, one of the earliest members of the Death Eaters. I revenged myself on him later. It was a subtle and terrible vengeance..."

"Did you kill him?"

"Oh, no. Death would have been too good for him. I just slipped a drop of a certain potion in his glass of Firewhisky. That potion prevented him from doing what he did to me to anyone else. Forever."

Harry shivered and decided not to ask for details.

"I suppose your other question is about your mother," said Snape.

"Yes."

"She was my friend. But I thought she had betrayed my confidence. I was rude to her and we never talked again." Snape lowered his eyes. "That was perhaps my first big mistake."


 

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Ptyx, June 2006