They had just made love in Snape's bed, at the cottage. The day after, there would be the great Quidditch final, between Gryffindor and Slytherin.

"You're different," said Harry, staring at him for a long time.

"What do you mean, different?

"Calmer. More beautiful.

Snape arched both eyebrows. "Explain."

"Oh, I don't know. Even Lavender and Parvati noticed. I heard them talking."

"Oh, so I have finally become the Slytherin Sex God?"

Harry pinched his bum.

"Ouch! Just because you are jealous, there's no reason to assault me physically," complained Snape .

Harry wrinkled his nose. "It's because of me?"

Snape narrowed his eyes at his lover. "Always thinking that the world revolves around you. Tut, tut. Probably it is a by-product of having prepared the Sandpotion. It is similar to what happens to the alchemists: the opus changes its creator. I have felt it many times, myself."

"But are you feeling different? Better?"

"I... It helped me to accept who I was and who I am."

"That's great, Severus. Er... Do you think that now you can tell me things from your past?"

"Perhaps. It's not a pleasant story. Are you sure that that's what you want?"

"I... I need to know."

Snape nodded. "Let's have supper and then... we may talk outdoors on the veranda. It's too hot inside, isn't it? Summer came early this year."

~* ~* ~

About an hour later, they were sitting in the veranda, on a porch swing - an easy-chair transfigured by Snape. The crickets chirped, and the fairies flew between the bushes.

"What do you want to know, Harry?"

"Er... Everything."

"The whole saga? Since my childhood?"

"Yes."

Snape breathed deeply. "My father was a bastard. He was a pure-blood, but financially broken. A loser. He took refuge in alcohol, and he used to beat my mother. She was a gentle, delicate person, and ended up killing herself. I was still in Hogwarts when it happened."

"Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry!"

"Well, that was not your fault," said Snape, unsuccessfully trying to lighten the mood.

"Please, go on," requested Harry.

"Soon after that, he was hospitalised for cardiac and respiratory problems, among other diseases, all due to excessive alcohol intake. Some weeks later he died, with his brain totally damaged. He was a monster, and I hated him. Because of him, I had to learn to defend myself very early. I began to devour all the books of magic I could find, and only the Dark Arts could give me the means of defence against him - not that there aren't 'Light Magic' spells as powerful as the Dark Magic ones, but they are more difficult to master. I was still a child."

Snape took another deep breath before proceeding.

"At Hogwarts, soon I became the target of the hostility of your father and his friends. Sincerely, I don't know who started it, but I was one, and they were four. It's true that Pettigrew wasn't a very powerful wizard, and that Lupin never performed any act of violence against me directly, but even so, I am sure that he was the brain behind many of the ambushes they crafted against me. In any case, they made my life a living hell. And to make things even worse, the Headmaster always sided with them, because they were Gryffindors. His beloved Gryffindors," said Snape between clenched teeth.

"Even when Sirius sent you to the Shrieking Shack knowing that Remus was there, transformed into a werewolf?"

"Oh, it was then that I lost all my hopes of justice. Black received only a month of detention with Dumbledore, and I was forced to keep silence under the penalty of expulsion. I could not leave Hogwarts: my mother had died, and I didn't want, by any means, to live with my father. And he would have killed me if he found out I had been expelled."

"Bloody hell!"

"Precisely my thoughts: bloody hell. My only friend in all this was... Lucius Malfoy."

Harry frowned. "Ouch. That's what I feared. Were you... lovers?"

"Oh, no! I was in love with him, of course. He was my first crush. But he was too high class and too smug to even entertain the idea of having an affair with me. No, he was, in his egocentric way, my friend. Then, when I left Hogwarts, I went to live with him. My father had already died, and I had to sell all his properties to pay his debts."

Harry let out a relieved sigh, and Snape couldn't help noticing it.

"Oh, you were concerned that Lucius could be your... rival, weren't you?"

"Of course! He's so much more... interesting than me."

"Don't say such foolish things! He's a pretentious bastard." Snape pulled Harry closer to him and sat him on his lap, giving him a long kiss. "Do you still want to hear the rest of the story?" asked Snape when the kiss came to an end.

"Yes, I do."

Snape held Harry's hand. "Very well. At that time, Lucius was already a Death Eater. And it didn't take much for him to convince me to join the Dark Lord: one meeting was enough. The Dark Lord showed great enthusiasm at the possibility of adding me to his ranks: Lucius had told him that I was very good in Potions and in Defense Against the Dark Arts. He... made me feel important, needed. His speech against Muggles... I didn't pay attention to it. In fact, I was used to those ideas. It was the same speech I had heard from my father. And in Slytherin, almost everyone shared those ideas. I hated my father, but I didn't realise I was subscribing to ideas similar to his."

Snape kept quiet for some moments.

Harry squeezed his hand. "And so... you joined them. And... is it true what you told me, that you were the best torturer among them?"

Snape gave him a bitter smile. "The best torturer... Yes, I was efficient. I think all those years of being abused by my father had taken their toll, and I ended up becoming like him." A shiver ran through his spine. "How disgusting. The only thing I can say to defend myself is that I didn't kill my victims. I took pride in not killing them. During six months, I managed not to trespass those limits... But one day, the Death Eaters were planning a raid on a Hogsmeade inn. They said that in that inn lived the family of one of the greatest enemies of our cause, McKinnon. And I was chosen to take part in the raid, along with eight of the most violent Death Eaters. Among them, Dolohov, the Lestranges, Travers and Mulciber."

The disgusted look on Harry's face alarmed him, and brought him back to the present moment.

"Harry... Do you hate me? Despise me? Don't want to see me ever again?"

"No... No, Severus. You've never hidden from me that you weren't proud of your past. I've always known, and I'm here, despite that."

"However, it's different when you learn that... that it was real. That it really happened."

"Yes. I'm not going to say that I'm not disturbed. But now... Well, is there anything else? You better tell me everything now."

Snape shuddered. "We attacked the inn. I never saw so much blood and pain. I was the neophyte, and they didn't expect much of me. Nonetheless, suddenly a Muggle approached me, and I tried to cast Imperius on him instead of killing him. I think he became so terrified that he died of fright. I stood there paralysed, shocked. The other Death Eaters dragged me out. As it was my first time, they didn't punish me. And I felt so bad because no one punished me. I wanted to be punished. I couldn't believe that I had participated in that carnage, and that I had killed someone. I think that, in that moment, I realised the hell I had put myself in."

"Then you decided to go back to Dumbledore?"

"I don't know if 'decided' is the right word. Something took me there. I crawled to him. Sincerely, my only wish was to die. But... he put me on my feet again. He gave me a new purpose: to finish the Dark Lord. And he said I would make a difference. He said that nobody else could do what I would do."

"He's such a bastard. A manipulator."

"He is, but he did save me, Harry. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have survived."

"But he made you go back and take part in all this... hell?" asked Harry, aghast.

"Exactly. Those were the worst months of my life. And my life wasn't a rose garden, as you can judge from what I have told you."

"And you... you continued to torture people, and to take part in massacres and... all that?"

"Yes. I did my best to avoid hurting people for real, of course. Albus taught me some tricks, and I used some potions. It wasn't easy, because a part of me enjoyed the violence, enjoyed inflicting pain. But since then, I've had a purpose behind my acts. I had Albus Dumbledore to give meaning to my life," finished Snape.

Harry shook his head, nauseated.

"It's true, Harry. Thinking of Albus helped me to keep my sanity."

"But he's the greatest madman of all!"

"Perhaps. I still have to believe in him to stand my own life... albeit now I have you."

Harry shuddered and left Snape's lap, standing up. "No! I don't want you to do these things in my name! Never!"

Snape let out a disheartened sigh, and looked at Harry with almost begging eyes.

Harry blinked. A tear glinted in his eye. Then Snape got up, and Harry flung himself in his arms.

"Why is life so complicated, Severus? Why can't I do what I think is the right thing? Why is it that I don't know what is right and what is wrong any more? Why isn't everything black or white?"

Snape gave a choked laugh. "Welcome to the hell of being an adult, Harry Potter. But you already lived in hell before, didn't you? Now let's turn the Time-Turner and try to sleep, because you must be prepared to face the biggest defeat of your life tomorrow."

Harry couldn't find the energy to laugh. He only let himself be pulled by Snape into the house.